Temporary Insanity
by kaotic312
Summary: Bleach crack fiction. The vice-captains are on new assignments. Who will go crazy first? The captains or the lieutenants?
1. Temporary

**From time to time random "crack" thoughts will slowly grow to become a story or a one-shot. I've done several for NARUTO. Now I guess, it's time for BLEACH.**

**I make no apologies and own no characters ...**

**.III.**

Head Captain Yamamoto of the Gotei 13 hadn't felt this stunned since he'd been a teenager. And that had been over 1,000 years ago.

"If you would repeat that?"

The representative from the re-formed Central 46 blinked, eyes hidden by lowered lashes. A fan hid his mouth. "My dear Head Captain, this order did not come from us ...but _through_ us ...to you. It is your duty to obey. To the letter." With that, he tapped one manicured fingernail on the list of names.

The leader of the Gotei 13 felt the small muscles around his left eye twitch with irritation. He peered down at the unrolled parchment, reluctant to touch it further. The names there had him scowling for a second before he deliberately schooled his features back into something more neutral.

"Why?" Asked Head Captain Yamamoto.

The other man finally looked up, piercing blue eyes over the edge of the ornate and highly expensive fan that he held. "Why isn't a question to be asked of nobility. And this comes from higher even than that. This is a royal decree."

"I can see that!" Snapped the Head Captain. And indeed, he could. The royal seal that he himself had broken open had been the genuine article.

"Between you and me?" The representative leaned forward slightly. "I hear that there was a bet placed on the outcome of this ...order."

The Gotei 13 leader sighed heavily.

The other man nodded slowly. "They await the outcome."

Head Captain Yamamoto shook his head slightly. "We are shinigami. Not toys."

The Central 46 representative raised his eyebrows at that. "And what is being required of you is it not ...interesting? Could it not be seen as an excellent training tool? This isn't some nonsense order. This could actually be useful to you and all of your captains."

"They won't like it." Yamamoto muttered. Hell, he didn't like it. Not one bit.

The other man leaned in further and blinked slowly. "Royalty doesn't care about your feelings, or theirs. Just do it."

.III.

"SILENCE!" Head Captain Yamamoto banged his heavy walking cane down on the ground, drawing every eye to him.

"But sir ...we ..."

"This is an order from higher than any of us can count." The Head Captain sighed. "And I have been ... _reminded_ ...that it could end up being a useful training tool."

"Bullshit." This from the tall, spiky-haired leader of the 11th Division. Though several other captains nodded.

The diminutive leader of the 2nd Division was next. "Is this permanent?"

Their head captain shook his head. "I have been assured it is temporary. Three months is what was spelled out in the written order."

The head of the medical squad spoke up. "My division needs those specially trained ..."

"There are NO exceptions." Head Captain Yamamoto cut her off. "And no, you can not simply side-line the individual assigned to your squads. They must participate."

"Simply impossible." Muttered the mysterious head of the research division.

"What part of no choice do you not understand?" Their leader snapped. "Now, bring in the lieutenants."

The door to the captain's meeting opened and the confused lieutenants from every squad of the Gotei 13 filed in quietly.

"No interrupting. There will be no discussion." The Head Captain said, opening up his parchment and unrolling it before them all.

The lieutenant of the 1st Division looked unsure. His captain had not seen fit to share with him the meaning behind this unscheduled meeting.

Head Captain Yamamoto sighed, and looked at those standing there. The confused vice-captains and the tense captains, smoldering in their anger. "There will be some _temporary_ transfers of personnel. You will treat them with all respect and do as you are told. You will train with your new assignments and carry them out to the best of your abilities. These ...tests ...are being judged."

Nervous weight shifting.

"Chojiro Sasakibe." The Head Captain looked at his own lieutenant and took a deep breath. "You are to take over as the vice-captain for Division Three."

Izuru Kira sucked in a shocked breath, his eyes widening. "Has my performance dropped ..."

A sharp wave of the Head Captain's hand made the young man still his words. He blushed hotly.

"Izuru. You will take over as the lieutenant for Captain Komamura. This is not a punishment, and no lieutenant has been lacking. Just follow the assignment as ordered."

The fox-headed captain growled, but nodded. His own vice-captain looked stunned. Yamamoto addressed him next.

"Tetsuzaemon Iba. I'm sure you will do just fine as the new lieutenant for Division Five. And before you react, Momo Hinamori? You will be going to Division Six with Captain Kuchiki."

Momo looked beyond stunned, her face going ashen pale as she swayed a bit before catching herself. Captain Kuchiki? But he intimidated the hell out of her!

"Renji Abarai?" The red-head stiffened, but nodded. This couldn't be _that_ bad, could it? "You will be working with Captain Kurotsuchi."

Silence fell over the group.

Captain Kuchiki looked bored, not even bothering to glance around as he spoke. "Kurotsuchi? I expect my vice-captain back in one piece. Unaltered in any way."

The leader of Division 12 sighed. "Boring."

Renji started breathing again, but feeling as if ants were running up and down his body. Temporary. He held onto that one word. Temporary.

"Nemu Kurotsuchi." The Head Captain continued as if he'd not been interrupted. "You will be with Division Ten."

Rangiku shook her head, blonde hair shining under the lights. "I expect my captain back in one piece and unaltered as well."

Captain Hitsugaya closed his eyes in irritation. "Shut up!"

Nemu blinked, looked at her 'father' and bowed when he gave a twitch of a nod.

"Rangiku Matsumoto." The Head Captain sighed.

"Me!" Shunsui Kyoraku held up his hand, only to be elbowed by his current lieutenant.

"Rangiku will be with Division Thirteen."

Jushiro Ukitake bowed, going so far as to place a comforting hand on his current vice-captain's shoulder. "And Rukia?" He asked gently.

Head Captain Yamamoto nodded. "Rukia will be taking over at Division Nine."

Rukia's eyes flew over to meet those of Shuhei. The other man nodded resolutely at her. "It's a good squad." Was all he said of his division.

"I have no doubt." Rukia returned his bow with one of her own.

"Shuhei Hisagi will be working with Captain Kyoraku." The Head Captain continued, ignoring Shunsui's roll of his eyes.

"Nanao Ise will be heading toward Division ... Eleven."

"Oh hell no!" Captain Zaraki scowled, his spiritual pressure growing alarmingly. "Fuck this shit!"

"Perhaps someone else?" Captain Kyoraku smiled ingratiatingly.

"SHUT UP!" Head Captain Yamamoto held up the parchment. "Do you see the royal seal on this thing? These doings are not from my office!"

Captain Zaraki snarled and put his hand on his zanpakuto, making over half those present to do the same.

"It's okay Kenny." Yachiru piped up from his shoulder. "Nanao is nice. Though she'll get you lost. No sense of direction."

Nanao winced but smiled, taking the hit as the spiritual pressure in the room dampened slightly.

"And Yachiru?" Growled the still irate warrior.

The Head Captain sighed and held up his orders. "She will be with me. Squad One."

Captain Kyoraku laughed outright, drawing irritated looks from those around him.

Sui-Feng stepped forward, scowling deeply. "There are only two lieutenants left. Mine and Captain Unohana's. You don't seriously expect us to swap, do you? Healing and assassination. This is impossible."

Captain Unohana nodded her agreement.

"Marechiyo and Isane Kotetsu will indeed switch divisions." The Head Captain said with great weariness. "And yes, they will need to fill the roles of your lieutenants."

"FUCK!" Kenpachi Zaraki punched a wall, sending dust flying everywhere as it completely disintegrated.

Head Captain Yamamoto took a deep breath. "This assignment starts now. Go gather what you need."

.III.

Renji looked around Nemu's quarters, finding them stark and utilitarian. He sighed and dropped his duffel on the cot.

Captain Kurotsuchi smiled at him from the doorway. "Make yourself at home."

The new vice-captain eyed the other man carefully. "One piece and unaltered, remember?"

The strange looking captain shrugged, looking unrepentant. "That leaves sooo much wiggle room. Don't you agree?"

Renji shuddered, watching the captain leave. "Well, shit."

.III.

Nanao Ise looked at the tiny cot and then up at the large warrior staring daggers at her. "It's too small, I won't fit ..."

"Deal." The captain growled, turning and leaving.

Nanao looked over at the curious Ikkaku and Yumichika and smiled weakly at them.

.III.

Captain Unohana held out a clipboard to Marechiyo. "Take notes."

"Yes, yes captain!" The much bigger man snapped to attention. Notes! He could handle this! He swallowed his nerves as he followed the healer down the line of beds.

"Vasodialation medication working, need to taper to 1.5 mg within the next week. Artery repair successful, and regranulation of cells underway. Temperature normal and tissue viable."

"Uh."

"Next patient. Sores measuring 2 cm to .5 cm of unknown etiology, possible dermatological or poisonous in nature. Blood cultures pending. Check on the results. Do you know where the lab is Marechiyo?" She turned and saw that the big man was still at the first bed, staring at her.

"Marechiyo?"

"Captain? How do you spell vasodialation?"

The head healer sighed deeply.

.III.

Head Captain Yamamoto looked down at his desk. Rather, at the empty plate with the crumbs of what had been his nightly snack.

He looked over at the couch on the other side of the room. A certain pink-haired lieutenant was snoring lightly.

"Chojiro!" He called, then winced. His vice-captain was, of course, not there.

.III.

"Where is vice-captain Hisagi?" The muscular young shinigami asked politely, looking behind Rukia.

Rukia Kuchiki smiled weakly. "I've been assigned as your new vice-captain. Temporarily."

Three men looked at each other, then back at her. One went so far as to look behind her again. "Is it April 1st?"

Rukia made a small distressed noise. "No."

The first shinigami gave a small bow. "No offense, Miss Rukia. But how temporary is temporary?"

She only wished she knew. Lieutenant to a different division who didn't know her very well? And without a captain to answer to directly? She was in it deep!

.III.

**Just a starting point. Hope you enjoyed! REVIEWS are always welcome, as are suggestions. :P**


	2. Really? Really?

Renji looked around the table and barely kept from shuddering. No one looked ...right. Lumps, bulges, extra limbs, and strangely colored flesh. If it could be thought of, apparently Captain Kurotsuchi had already tried it.

The meeting was wrapping up, and as the acting vice-captain of the research and development squad it was his duty to ...do what exactly? The red-headed warrior looked down at his notebook. A three hour meeting and all he had to show for it was a few words and three pages of doodles.

Mind-numb and clueless it took a moment to realize that the group had fallen silent and were staring at him. Renji offered a weak smile which was met with blank looks. The others all turned to each other, some shooting irritated glances his way.

"All done? Good! Good!" Captain Kurotsuchi burst through the double doors at the back of the room, making a grand entrance and beaming with good humor. He put a plate of snacks down on the table.

Renji's stomach rumbled, but since no one else was reaching for the food, he was able to keep his own hands from reaching out. He managed to stand at attention for his captain. His very _temporary_ captain. He hoped.

Captain Kurotsuchi shooed the others from the room and back to their respective duties. He finally sighed and slouched into a large, comfortable chair at the head of the table. "How did the meeting go?" He asked Renji, now that the weekly meeting was over. "Any good ideas?"

Good ideas? Renji looked down at his doodles and felt a hint of panic. "Uhm. Define good." He managed an ingratiating smile.

The strange looking captain shrugged and traced an unknown symbol in the air with one finger, as if not even paying attention to the conversation.

Renji stared down at his few words and desperately tried to remember something from the meeting he'd just sat through. It had all been nonsense to him. He saw one word he'd scribbled and looked up. "Colors. Something about chameleons and skin and injections to make us more stealthy." Renji looked desperate. "It was silly."

"Something? Something about colors? Injections of what? Is this a dermal change, or deeper?" The captain asked absently.

Renji's cheeks flushed. He had no clue how to answer that. Feeling out of place, he flipped through his three pages of doodles, but could see nothing to help. His eyes lit on one word. "Potatoes."

"Potatoes?"

"Yes, sir." The temporary lieutenant bit his cheek, feeling foolish.

"Ah. Potatoes!" Captain Kurotsuchi nodded. "Eyes. Extra eyes. That's good ...no, no good. Tried that three years ago. Problems with the optic nerves splitting."

Renji felt a headache coming on.

The strange looking man peered over at the red-head. "How are you supposed to sift through the bad ideas and glean the good ones if you don't even know the first thing about research?"

Renji winced, but nodded. "I ...can't disagree, sir."

Captain Kurotsuchi gave a big sigh and rocked a bit in his chair, steepling his fingers as if deep in thought.

The red-headed lieutenant stood there, and stood there, waiting. "Sir?"

But the captain just held up one finger for silence, to indicate thought.

Renji fell silent, waiting. His stomach rumbled again. He'd missed lunch. He glanced at the snack tray. Nuts, cheeses, fruit.

Captain Kurotsuchi frowned slightly and pointed with his finger. "Go ahead. We're going to be here a while going over the last meeting and my expectations for your duties."

Renji shook his head. "I'm fine." He muttered, but grabbed a handful of peanuts at least.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Vice-Captain Rukia Kuchiki was mortified. She stood before Captain Komamura as he read over the reports. She looked over at Izuru Kira and he gave her a reassuring smile, but she thought he looked rather pale.

With all the temporary reassignments, it was a very confusing time within the Gotei 13. Izuru was currently the vice-captain for the fox-headed captain, while the squad's regular lieutenant was off on assignment with another division. And Rukia had been sent to serve with division nine. But the 9th squad was currently without a captain and had been since Tosen had turned traitor.

Captain Komamura ran his own squad, but also served as squad nine's advisor when necessary.

It was necessary.

Rukia resisted the urge to shift her weight as she stood at attention.

The fox-headed captain sighed. "The training exercise was ...abysmal. Inter-squad movements were ..." He sighed again. "What was the plan again?"

The shorter shinigami explained her decisions, her squad placements and reasons, and her plans.

Captain Komamura nodded sagely and shrugged. "It all sounds well planned out, so what went wrong? Communications?" He guessed.

Rukia smiled weakly. "I don't know. I drew maps that explained everything and made copies for each squad member." She held up her map.

Captain Komamura took the map and squinted at it, then he coughed. "Is that a bunny?"

"Illustrations are usually a good idea to help make sense out of complicated plans." Rukia explained eagerly.

The captain frowned and turned the page on its side.

"Er ...Sir? I think it's upside down." Izuru offered.

"Oh." Captain Komamura turned the page, then shook his head. "Is that a hedgehog?"

Rukia clenched her fists, knowing it would be a bad idea to lose her temper in front of a captain. "Duck. It's a duck. Since it's near water."

"Ah." The captain shook his head and handed the map back to her. "Perhaps with the next training exercises, you should not try ...illustrations."

Rukia nodded reluctantly.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Head-Captain Yamamoto frowned down at his temporary lieutenant. Yachiru was asleep in his chair. His personal chair. And she was lightly snoring.

He gritted his teeth.

It was early, but not that early. She should be hard at work, not napping. Yamamoto sighed. Seemed that discipline was lacking over at squad 11. He'd have to do something about that, after all this _temporary_ reassignment stuff was over.

A discrete cough, and the Head-Captain turned. He spied his 5th seated squad member and started back towards his desk, then stopped. Instead of continuing he turned back, looking at his man. "What happened to you?"

The 5th seat was covered in sweat, his hair stringy and looking pale. It was obvious that the man was out of breath. "Sir? Head-Captain, sir? How long ...er, that his how long will Lieutenant Yachiru be with us. Sir?"

Yamamoto frowned, the man sounded completely spent. He looked back down at the sleeping pink-haired girl. Then he glanced back at his squad member. The glimmer of understanding made him smile. "Let me guess. She got you up at dawn?"

"Before dawn, Head-Captain." The 5th seat stared, wide-eyed. "For a '_light_' warm-up."

"I see." The leader of the Gotei 13 sounded amused. "But we are Division One. Nothing that a lieutenant, even one from the fighting squad, does should put us in the shape you're currently in."

The 5th seat looked down, ashamed. "Sir? There are three gone to the medical barracks with dehydration and two more confined to the barracks with sprains and strains. I'm one of the few still walking."

This news gave Yamamoto pause. Really? He would have hoped that his own personal squad would have made a better physical showing. Apparently his people were too used to duties other than pure fighting. "Then Yachiru is more needed here than I would have thought."

Hearing this made his man swallow hard, but nod.

A slight sound, and Yamamoto turned. Yachiru smiled brightly as she stretched. "Rest time is over. Warm-ups were fun." She looked over at the 5th seat and grinned. "Ready for the daily training work-out?"

The man paled further. "Daily?"

Yachiru nodded happily. "We'll keep it light today, since we started late."

Head-Captain Yamamoto fought the urge to laugh as his squad member groaned in distress.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Captain Sui-Feng growled, startling her new vice-captain.

Isane Kotetsu looked frantically down at the list before her. "Did I miss one, captain?"

"No." The slender leader of division two snarled with real menace.

Isane's toes curled in response to fear, even though she was sure the captain wouldn't actually hurt her. Mostly sure. "Captain?"

Sui-Feng slammed her hand down flat on the table with a sharp sound, making the taller young woman jump visibly. "You have successfully named each and every poison.

"Isn't that ...isn't that what you asked for?" Isane looked unsure. "Captain?"

"Ah." Sui-Feng turned and walked away, staring out the window. "But you also listed all the symptoms."

Isane nodded and looked back down at her list.

Sui-Feng gritted her teeth. "Then you listed the antidotes along with dosages."

The lieutenant hunched her shoulders slightly as she caught her breath. "Oh."

"Yes. This is not the medical squad." Sui-Feng strode over and yanked the sheet out of the lieutenant's hands, drawing a hiss from the other woman with the sudden pain of a paper cut.

Isane shook her hand, frowning at the slight red of blood in the shallow, thin cut. "No antidotes?"

Sui-Feng crumpled up the paper. "Assassination. Not treatment. Antidotes are fine. But don't list the ongoing treatments for each poison."

"Yes, captain." Isane blushed hotly.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Renji smiled as Shuhei entered the small cafe. "You eating late too?"

Lieutenant Hisagi frowned, then nodded. Not saying anything

Renji smiled wanly. "How's it going for you? Shouldn't be too bad. Nanao is a good vice-captain. I'm sure everything was already in order."

Shuhei sat down and nodded grimly. "In order." He pulled out a time-piece and glanced at it. "Don't have long."

Renji pushed over a plate with half a sandwich. "Help yourself."

"Thanks." Shuhei took a bite and frowned. "I thought I was doing a good job. Nanao was always complaining how hard it was to get Captain Kyoraku to do his work. So I stepped in and shouldered a good portion of it."

His voice sounded so tired. Renji winced. "Not good?"

Shuhei took a deep breath. "The captain was surprised to find everything done, but then he looked through it all and changed it. Re-did more than half of it."

"Oh." Renji nodded. "He always seemed content to let Nanao do it all."

Shuhei made a face and took another bite, chewing slowly. "Apparently she knows how he likes things done. I don't."

"Ah." Renji nodded. "At least you don't have to sleep with one eye open." He grinned, then stilled as he sneezed.

Shuhei handed him a napkin and they continued chatting as they ate.

At the counter, a man was getting impatient, waiting for his food.

Renji leaned back, sipping at the last of his tea. "How much longer do you have?"

"Hmm." Shuhei pulled his timepiece out again, then frowned. He tapped it. "Uh oh. I think it stopped."

"What do you mean the ovens stopped?" The man at the counter complained.

The owner of the shop apologized. "Not stopped, but there has been some sort of short in the system. Nothing is working properly."

Shuhei looked over at them and frowned. "Huh."

Renji nodded. "Strange."

The two men said goodbye and headed back to their respective duties. Renji turned back toward research and development with a sense of reluctance. He smiled ruefully as he spied Nanao looking worse for wear, running to keep up with the long strides of a certain spiky-haired captain.

Apparently she wasn't doing much better with her new assignment either. She looked beyond exhausted. And Captain Zaraki was scowling.

The red-head moved down the street, stepping out of the way as a cart pulled through, throwing up dust. He sneezed.

He watched as the cart finished moving past, then frowned as he saw a young woman shaking her com device, cursing because it had just stopped working. Renji frowned. He looked around and saw to more people staring at various pieces of equipment.

He felt troubled as he continued down the street. Stopping when he came to a shop's display of monitors, all showing various scenes.

Renji glanced around, feeling foolish. He gave a fake sneeze. Nothing happened. Feeling foolish, he cleared his throat then a real sneeze escaped him. He shook his head, then growled. The monitors were no longer working. Not showing interference, no ...they weren't working at all.

"Shit."

o.O.o.O.o.O

"What are you doing?"

Marechiyo dropped the bracelet in shock, letting it fall on the patient's bed. "Just trying to help, captain, ma'am." He cried out.

Captain Unohana looked supremely disgusted, making her temporary vice-captain feel shame. "Bribing a patient to stop complaining of pain?"

Marechiyo shook his head. "Just trying to help her feel better."

"Medicine would be better." The healer snapped.

The large male shrank before her dimunitive height and nodded subserviently. "But ma'am, the medicine listed has cardiac side-effects and she was telling me that her father had a history of problems."

Captain Unohana frowned and took the chart, scanning it quickly. "Good. However, the amounts and dosage listed is appropriate and she is on a beta blocker. The pain medication she was prescribed does not interfere."

"Oh." Marechiyo looked abashed.

Captain Unohana spoke clearly. "If you have a question about a medication, please ask. Don't withhold on your own judgment."

"Yes ma'am." The large male smiled at her. "I'm so sorry, captain, ma'am."

The healer nodded and started to turn away, then stopped to stare icily at her temporary lieutenant. "And never bribe a patient again."

Red-faced, the big man nodded.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Renji walked into Captain Kurotsuchi's office, scowling. "What did you do to me? Every time I sneeze all the electronics in the area stop working completely."

Alarmed, the captain looked over at his multiple computers. "Well, don't sneeze damn it!"

"What did you do to me?"

The strange looking captain shrugged. "Nothing major. Nano technology. Just how many of those peanuts did you eat?"

The red-head's eyes widened. "You put something in my food?!"

"Er ...no?" Captain Kurotsuchi's denial was less than believable. "Besides, this effect is ...interesting and unexpected."

"Am I going to die?" Renji growled.

"Yes." The captain smiled widely as the lieutenant took in a shocked breath. "One day. But not from this."

The red-head groaned. "Anything else?"

"Yes." Captain Kurotsuchi pursed his lips. "Whatever you do, don't pass gas."

Renji stilled, then shook his head. "What the hell? Why not? What would happen?"

The strange looking man shrugged. "Nothing. Just don't do it. It's rude."

The red-head groaned and ran his hand over his face, then he glared and deliberately took in a deep breath through his nose.

Captain Kurotsuchi's eyes widened in alarm.

Renji looked over at the captain's multiple computers and deliberately sniffed.

"Don't you dare!"

The red-head sneezed and the room went dark.

o.O.o.O.o.O

**Well?**


	3. Yes or No

Renji sneezed, making everyone around him stop breathing. A few monitors flickered, but nothing quit working.

The research and development division members all sighed in relief. Seems the nanotechnology that their temporary lieutenant had been inoculated with was now wearing off.

Renji frowned. "Damn." He breathed under his breath. As long as his sneezing had made electronic equipment stop working, then his captain had been leaving him alone.

Now that the effects were wearing off, the red-head wondered just when Captain Kurotsuchi would be showing his ugly mug around him again.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Nanao Ise straightened the final document on the desk when the door flew open. She stepped back silently, having learned that Captain Zaraki didn't want to hear from her. At all.

The large warrior stalked inside, scowling. But at least it was his usual scowl and not something shiver inducing. She stood back away from him and his desk as she put her hands behind her.

The captain grabbed a pair of spare sandals and turned to leave.

Nanao breathed out a sigh of relief.

Then the captain stopped in the doorway. The lieutenant stiffened, unsure.

Captain Zaraki turned and stared at his desk, frowning. He blinked slowly, twice. Then looked up at Nanao. She felt her face flush as she stared at a spot somewhere over his left shoulder.

The larger male coughed, drawing her gaze to his face. "You afraid of me, lieutenant?"

Nanao shook her head negatively, before even thinking about it.

The captain's mouth twitched. "You should be."

"That's an old line. Very trite." She said coolly, then regretted it. Her acerbic tongue was going to get her in trouble with this captain far quicker than it would have with Captain Kyoraku.

Captain Zaraki stared at her for a long moment. "You don't say a word, do what I tell you, clean my damned desk and do every bit of paperwork. You call that not being afraid?"

She shouldn't rise to the verbal bait, and she knew it. Her mouth opened anyway. "You don't want to hear from me. I'm supposed to do what you tell me. Your desk was atrocious at best. And I only did the paperwork that I'm supposed to handle. The rest is waiting for you to read and sign." Nanao pointed at a neat stack on his desk.

He stepped forward menacingly. She flinched. The captain grinned. "The hell you're not afraid."

"Cautious does not equal actual fear." The lieutenant said, hoping she even believed it herself.

"Yumichika thinks you poisoned his food to get back at him for calling you names during yesterday's training." The captain asked without asking.

Nanao gave a swift nod to indicate her culpability.

Captain Zaraki's face split into a wide grin. "Think you could challenge my real lieutenant to a fight?"

Nanao shook her head. "I am not a good fit for the Eleventh Division."

"Damned straight." He crooned.

"But given proper leadership and stronger organizational infrastructure, I could improve your division." The young woman watched the captain carefully, not sure how he was going to react.

The Kenpachi straightened up, staring hard at her. "You find us lacking?"

"I find your division undisciplined. Candy is not a proper reward for good behavior. You're strong. You're all strong. But you all fight individually and not as a team effort."

She didn't even get a warning growl as the world exploded around her. In fact, the next thing she knew she was lying in the division's main courtyard.

Nanao blinked up, her vision furry for a moment. Ikkaku leaned over her, looking far too amused. The bald man held up one hand to his groaning squad mates. "She lasted longer before he put her through a wall than you thought. Pay up. Bet's a bet."

Dizzy, Nanao managed to sit up. First thing she spotted was a big hole in the side of Captain Zaraki's office.

The captain stared at her with a complacent grin. "Lieutenant? Contact the maintenance people and request they fix my wall. And you're paying for it."

Nanao groaned as the tall man turned away without a backward glance.

Ikkaku looked down at her. "Are you hurt?"

Nanao shook her head, climbing quickly to her feet. Ikkaku frowned at her.

"Damn." The bald man muttered and held up a few bills.

Another squad member snatched at them, but Ikkaku didn't let go of the money. The 3rd seated warrior sighed. "Sure you don't need medical attention?"

Nanao made a face at him, but didn't dignify him with an answer.

"You could at least be a little hurt." Ikkaku sighed and let go of the money to the delight of the other squad member.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Rangiku yawned and padded quietly into the main division office. She smiled as she spied both Kiyone Kotetsu and Sentaro Kotsubaki working steadily on the ever-present paperwork.

She yawned, stretching out her arms as she rotated her lower back. This did very interesting things to the front of her robes, making her impressive cleavage strain against the material.

Both men gawked for a moment, then Kiyone shot Sentaro a dirty look. "Disgusting, letting a pretty sight deter you from duty. Not I!"

"You were too!" Sentaro started working faster on his pile of papers. "I don't even know she's there! My work is my life!"

Not to be outdone, Kiyone began working faster as well. "She who? No one is here but us! My duty is everything!"

Rangiku watched in a somewhat shocked frame of mind as the two men raced each other to see who could finish first, and who could ignore her presence the longest.

Captain Ukitake walked into the room and stopped next to his temporary lieutenant. He eyed the two co-third seats. "What are they doing?"

"Shhh, Captain." Rangiku smiled lightly. "Don't disturb them, they're doing all of my paperwork. Yours too."

The captain sighed and shook his head. "Rangiku, that's not good. They're going so fast that they're not even reading the pages."

"I am! I am reading!" Kiyone looked up with a desperate smile. "Good morning Captain, my captain!"

"No, I was going to greet him first!" Sentaro moaned. "Only I was too busy making sure my work was done properly and perfectly!"

The two squabbled and worked and squabbled and worked and ...

Rangiku turned to the Division Thirteen leader. "Captain Ukitake? Are they always like this?"

Jushiro nodded and sighed. "Rukia always stepped in and calmed the situation, taking over and making sure everything was in order."

Rangiku thought about it at least, but then shook her head. "I'll stop them AFTER they finish all of my paperwork." She yawned and headed over to the most comfortable looking couch.

Captian Ukitake sighed. Maybe it would have been better to let the busty blond work over with Shunsui after all.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Head-Captain Yamamoto sighed heavily, staring at the note in his hand. He wondered briefly if he should take something for his tension headache.

That's when the current source of his pain walked in the door.

The older man looked over at the sweet little girl, complete with candy-pink hair and lovely smile. "How can so much mayhem come from such a small container?"

"Sir?" Yachiru looked puzzled. Sweet and cute, but puzzled.

"You escorted Lady Niara on a tour of the Seireitei today?" The Head-Captain asked quietly.

Yachiru's smile widened. "She kept getting lost."

Yamamoto's hand trembled. "You took the wife of a prominent Noble family with multiple trade agreements through a tour of ...the best sweet shops in the Seireitei?"

The little lieutenant nodded, still looking puzzled. "I thought she'd like them."

"You took the diabetic wife of a noble ..." The Head-Captain stopped and rolled his neck as he regathered his thoughts. "Didn't you see the notation on her paperwork that she can't eat sweets?"

Yachiru put her finger next to her mouth, frowning slightly. "She did eat them. Said they were delicious too."

"Only because you told her they were 'safe' for her!" Yamamoto roared.

The pink-haired girl merely blinked at him, completely unintimidated. "They are safe. Those are the best sweet shops around!"

"Not for a diabetic!" The Head-Captain sighed heavily. "Yachiru? Do you know what diabetic means?"

"Uhm ..."

The older man nodded and put his note down. "The lady will be fine according to Captain Unohana. But from now on, ask if there is a word that you don't fully understand. Why didn't you ask Genshiro about this?"

Yachiru shrugged. "He was busy."

The Head-Captain nodded, picking up another note. "Busy meeting with Captain Unohana as well? Busy with a broken foot?"

Yachiru nodded slowly, looking unsure for the first time. "I didn't mean to break his foot."

"You didn't mean to kick him?" The Head-Captain asked carefully.

"Oh no, I meant to kick him. I just didn't think his foot would break." Yachiru answered softly.

"In three places." Yamamoto winced and put that note back down on his desk. "Why did you kick him?"

"His foot got in the way of my foot." She answered, looking so very sincere.

The Head-Captain picked up a third note. "You sent a thank you gift to Merchant Simtai?"

Yachiru, feeling on better ground nodded eagerly. "I got the gifts when I was escorting the diuretic lady."

"Diabetic." Yamamoto groaned.

"Oh. They're diabetic too?"

"No." The older man shook his head and put down the note. "No. But candy is not always the appropriate gift to send someone."

Yachiru didn't look convinced, in fact she looked downright suspicious about that answer. "I don't trust people who don't eat sweets."

"Kenpachi doesn't eat sweets." Yamamoto couldn't help but point out the obvious.

"He would!" Yachiru didn't allow any derogatory comments at her beloved Kenny. "He just always gives them to me first!"

"I'll not argue the point." The Head-Captain sighed again. "Just run all gifts through me or Genshiro first, yes?"

Yachiru pouted, but nodded.

The older man sighed and put down all his notes. "Lieutenant Yachiru. You have done a great job whipping my division members into better shape. You are an asset in many, many areas. But Division One is run differently than Division Eleven. They are our main fighting force. My division not only has to fight, but we are the negotiators. The public face. The politicians if you will."

Yachiru was back to looking puzzled.

The Head-Captain gave her a small smile. "Let's make this simple. Keep getting the men into shape, but don't break them to the point they have to visit the medical barracks."

The pink-haired girl nodded, her expression clearing.

"All gifts and escorts are to be assigned by you ...to other members of the squad. You are too important to waste escorting people around, or buying gifts." The older man nodded more firmly, yes this would work.

"I am not your Kenpachi. You can not simply say 'NO' on all requests and think your paperwork is all done."

Yachiru grinned brightly, nearly bouncing on her feet. "Oh! I know that one! I already figured that out!"

The Head-Captain of the Gotei 13 smiled happily. "Very good!"

The pink-haired girl swung her arms out wide with excitement. "I know you're nothing like Kenny, 'cause he never says yes to anything. So I thought to myself, that to be YOUR lieutenant ...I have to say yes to everything!"

The older man chuckled. "Well, not _everything_."

Yachiru's smile faded around the edges. "Not everything?"

Head-Captain Yamamoto sat up with alarm niggling at the back of his mind. "What did you do?"

"Uhm ...I already did all your paperwork. All the requests, anyway." Yachiru smiled hopefully. "Those I was supposed to say 'yes' to, right?"

Seriously alarmed, the older man turned back to his desk. Rosters, letters, reports. All there. Requests. Requests. His headache returned with a vengeance, his left eye starting to throb. "You replied 'yes' to every single one?"

"Uhm ...yes?" Yachiru wasn't sounding as sure as she had been. "There were so many, but then you are the Head Captain and all."

"Many?" Yamamoto's voice sounded weak, even to himself. There had been maybe ten requests. Not so bad.

"I caught up on all the old ones too." The young lieutenant sounded hopeful that she'd done right as she pointed at his lower desk drawer.

The Head-Captain forgot how to breathe as he pulled open the indicated drawers. The crack-pot file. The place he kept all the stupid, silly, and absolutely idiotic requests. Empty.

"I got you all caught up ...and that's good right?"

Yamamoto felt sick as he looked over at the girl. "Have you sent out the replies yet?"

Yachiru nodded and even smiled at him. "Oh yes. I sent them out to Central 46 so they could issue all the new orders through the hell's butterflies. It's all taken care of!"

The Head-Captain closed his eyes in despair.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Lieutenant Momo Hinamori looked over the new orders with disbelief. Then she glanced over at the closed office door of her new temporary captain.

She swallowed hard and walked over slowly, knocking lightly. Hoping that he wouldn't hear.

"Come." Byakuya bade her.

Momo slid the door open just enough to slip inside. She stood quietly just beside the door.

Byakuya Kuchiki sighed. This timid girl was not what he needed in a lieutenant. She was competent enough with his division. And her organizational skills were far better than Abarai. But she still couldn't bring herself to face him, and that irritated him.

"What?" He demanded, probably far more brusquely than was proper.

"Hell's butterflies. Notices. Orders." Momo whispered.

Byakuya frowned. "I can't hear you."

"New orders." The lieutenant's face flamed as she spoke up marginally louder.

"Read them."

Momo shook her head, holding up the papers.

"Read them." Byakuya ordered her, narrowing his gaze in authority.

Momo swallowed hard and looked through them. Finally she cleared her throat. "All squad members are to wear socks with specific colors to delineate which squad they belong to. Red socks for our squad."

"Red ...socks?" Byakuya sat back, stunned.

Momo ran forward and put the notice on his desk. "It says so that those people who can't read will immediately know which squad we belong to."

"Ridiculous." The young nobleman read the notice carefully.

Momo forced a small smile. "Division Thirteen has to wear lavender, it's not so bad with red."

Byakuya scowled and she looked down at the other notes.

"This one states that male shinigami must wear their hair short, and women must pull theirs back into a braid." Momo held out the order and the captain snatched it from her hand.

"Cut my hair?" Byakuya felt his temper rising and ruthlessly tried to calm himself down. "Stupid."

"And it says no beards." Momo looked up hesitantly. "I don't know what Captain Komamura is supposed to do. It doesn't say."

Byakuya put down the note and started writing request to meet with the Head-Captain. "Take this to Division One. On the double."

Momo nodded and held up another missive. Byakuya groaned, his eyes fixated on the next order.

"This one says that all Captains have to set a good moral model for all shinigami." She whispered.

Byakuya's eyes moved to meet hers, she dropped her gaze. There was more to it, he just knew. "What?"

"All captains have to be married by the end of the year."

Byakuya put down his pen and stood, making Momo step back in a hurry. "Don't bother going to Divsion One. I'll take my message myself. In person." He snarled.

o.O.o.O.o.O

Captain Komamura and Izuru Kira stared at each other in disbelief as they both looked through the stack of new orders.

The blond shook his head and pointed at the furry, fox-faced captain. "Does that even count as a beard?"


End file.
